SMH Answering Machine

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital. Please select from the following options menu: 

If you are obsessive-compulsive , press 1 repeatedly. 
If you are co-dependent , please ask someone to press 2 for you. 
If you have multiple personalities , press 3, 4, 5 and 6. 
If you are paranoid , we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call. 
If you are delusional , press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship. 
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell You which number to press. 
If you are manic-depressive , it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway. 
If you are dyslexic , press 9696969696969696. 
If you are bipolar , please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. 
If you have short-term memory loss , press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. 
If you have low self-esteem , please hang up - our operators are too busy to talk with you. 
If you are menopausal , put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever. 
If you are blonde , don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

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